I'm not bored of life, but I am tired... . Yea, but I am not a quitter....... . I know I need a new lifestyle, I know I can handle a new lifestyle in a fast-paced and transformed new world, but it looks like I may be (*cringes and groans*) possibly chained........down to this current existential state. That due to unexpected relationship type bonds (*shakes my head*). Apparently, even if I noted a trillion dollars, had a resort house in the mountains of Japan, and lived inside of a chamber filled with S*pphires, Di*monds, R*bies, and T*paz, I'd still note a mindscape / landscape / lifestyle chock full of misery and suffering. . And that....., possibly, due to (*gawks in shock*) matrimonial (*shakes my head*) bonds........to a being that has a deeply fragmented and gravely impaired mind (*shakes my head in shock*). Why am I different? Why am I able to travel to every corner of this world, and maintain a safe and cleaned down mountain mining house on my own? I do not know............ .
If in the past.....I placed myself into some sort of binding pact, maybe even (*wince*) a pact of the marriage type........that is inextricably and instrinsicslly linked to the dual infiniversal routing trial scenario (whereby both of the involved parties literally witness the unimaginably depths of'h*ll')........then I'll have to live with the consequences of that choice (*shakes my head*)...... . Yea, and all the misery and abject pain........that followed it.
I have long trained beyond the level necessary the manifest solar flares / cause earthquakes / cause immense hurricanes / transform the landscape, but some sort of safety switch is seemingly in place. A self-placed "governor" that may, apparently, make sure that the possibly mentally impaired (to grave levels) (due to traumatization and shock???) Starry Maiden is not critically injured.......as a result of my terraforming capacities and other abilities.
Yea, I cannot deny it, that I am in and have been in a sort of very deep relationship (*groans with concern and shock*), to what depths and levels I do not know. (I still (*feels a caress to my hair*) will not abandon my dreams and goals of absolute virginity and celibacy........). Too, I can not deny that all my abilities are being kept locked up...for *some* reason (hence why I note such an anemic world with no flying cars readily available, nor colony starships).
What now? I will, too, just try to ease my suffering, and not ***hate*** myself for making any possible dual-trialing decision......in the past.
That, and pray I, in reality, am not some number one 'super' 'being'.........'that' is 'alone' in my abilities, thinking / reasoning capacities...., and capacity to show and act upon love. If this is a dual trial, why am I so far....along????? And, if I have a "partner" who has fallen into the deepest and darkest depths of confusion and mental impairment, why did I not fall???? Was it luck????
Well, this is true. I'd rather suffer than 'intend' 'murder' at a truly sentient and feeling being..............., and every day the sun rises is testament to that fact.
I want to get home, but I will not 'kill' to get there.
I'll just have to get a Sw*tch, .....
...., grow and cook my daily meals, keep taking sustaining herbal heart medicines, and prepare to witness / suffer III decades.....or more (*shakes my head in shock*). Maybe when I witness this subanime Negro graft dude all ugly, wrinkled, withered, stinking, decrepid, and old.........., and note.......(???) the subanime graft at a certain wolfy-prongs-haired somebody.......also ugly, wrinkled, withered, stinking, decrepid, and old............a miracle will happen. A miracle where the real maturity, the real focus, the real intelligence, the real accountability, the real mental wellness of Starry Maiden surfaces / is revealed....... .
Even if the dual trial scenario is real, I'll never quit hoping. I'll never quit believing there is a way to victory, a path to victory.
I'll just have to suffer as a consequence of a past decision. I'll just have to suffer as a consequence of a past decision to enter into / be part of a relationship.......(*groans in shock*). It is what it is.
If the dual trial scenario is real? I just pray for my partner. I pray the guilt they will feel regarding my suffering (for their sake) will not drive them to 'irreparable' 'insanity'........ . I pray their aching conscience, when it awakens / comes online........., will not drive them to 'unreachable' 'insanity'. Yea. I will just take deep breaths, take on each day as each day comes, and just try to wait on their mental and spiritual development (*groans*) and recovery. My gosh, can this really be real destiny???? Is this really what all my training in the past comes down to???? (*Feels my heart filling with terror*). If so, oh my gosh.........I am going to have to ***TRULY*** try to not hate life, and not hate myself for embarking on a dual participant infiniversal routing gem quest............. . Yea. Just what was this thing, if it (the dual infiniversal routing gem scenario) is so / actual / real......., supposed to prove anyway????????? A willingness to suffer years, even a decade.........for the sake of another (*cringes*)?????????? (*Recalls my infiniversal hyperdimensional sanctuary blue place event, my taste of freedom experienced as I witnessed the horrors of '2006'.......*). (*Hears a certain theme*).
I guess that could be a / the true meaning of love....though....(*sighs, and amidst sighing......feels a trickling tear-like sensation (!?!!) across my brow*) (*perceives movement to my left, above the bed*) (???!)....(*gasps as I feel a kiss*).